Tuesday, October 30, 2018

Mental Health Post

I'm 45, married with 2 kids, 5'8" and @300 lbs.
I have bipolar disorder, clinical depression, PTSD, ADD, and general anxiety disorder. 

When I was a child, I was diagnosed with "Minimal Brain Dysfunction" which was 1977-speak for "ADHD". I barely graduated high school, even though I was in the top 2% on all of the national standards tests.

A couple of years ago, I had a series of events that led to me finding a psychiatrist who finally diagnosed me with all of the above.

I've been on a medication called Seroquel for my bipolar, but we haven't found anything that will treat my depression effectively without triggering manic episodes.

This brings me to today: I've been sinking deeply into depression for the last - probably - year now. I've talked to my doctor, and he has tried a few things, but in general he's more concentrated on my bipolar than my depression. I'm barely a part of my kids' lives, and I'm a terrible marital partner. The worst part is: I know all this, but I can't seem to bring myself to do anything about it. I mean, I care, but I don't care...if that makes any sense...I know it doesn't.

Today, I listened to Episode 51 of Radio Free Burrito (Wil Wheaton's podcast). When he was talking about River Phoenix, and about living his best life, it made me start to nearly cry in my car while commuting to work.

You see, I'm not doing that.

I'm not living my best life, I'm merely alive.

Surviving.

Not living.

And that hurts.

A lot.

Tuesday, August 21, 2018

W3: D3 - The Habit Seems To Be Forming, Small Victories Are Stacking Up

This morning, when I woke up, there was thunder and a bit of rain. If you're not an Arizonan, that probably doesn't mean much, but for us, it's awesome to have some weather. By the time I got up 35 minutes later, it had passed with just a few light sprinkles left.

I did my 25 minutes at the gym, which usually equals about 100 calories and 1 mile. As I get more in shape, I expect to raise my speed, so that distance and caloric burn should go up.

I had a physical yesterday. The first time I've seen a regular doc since March of 17. When I called to make my appointment with her, I got told that she had left that place a year ago. So, that was surprising to me, not only that she left, but that it had been over a year since I last saw her. So I googled her and followed her to her new place. She's that good of a doctor.

My BP and heart rate were better than they've been in years. The doc's scale, with me fully clothed, was 12 pounds heavier than my scale at home, so that was a bit depressing. But, doc said the scale numbers aren't as important to her as my feeling of fitness and how my clothing feels.

So, another small victory - made it to the gym. I'll take it.

Monday, August 20, 2018

W3 Started With A Failure

Sunday I failed.

I didn't get up to go to the gym because I planned to go with my wife while the kids were at my mom's. Kids didn't feel up to visiting mom, so wife didn't go to gym, so I procrastinated all day long and ended up not going either.

I told myself all day that I should go. Then as it got later, I told myself that I'd just walk around the block when the kids went to bed. I didn't do any of that. I sat and watched YouTube all day long.

Today, I snoozed once, but got up and got to the gym and did my 25 mins on the treadmill. So it's a partial victory, but better than a failure.

Thursday, August 16, 2018

W2: D5 - My Shirt Doesn't Feel As Tight As It Used To

This morning, when my phone went off, I hit snooze, and fell back asleep for 8 minutes (what a weird arbitrary number that iPhones use for snooze).

Then, when it went off again, I immediately cursed myself for letting myself hit snooze.

The dark-side nearly won today.

Then I went and did my 25 minutes on the treadmill, and 10-15 min working biceps and triceps. I spent an extra 10 minutes at the gym to make up for my lapse in snooze discipline.

I noticed yesterday that the shirt I was wearing wasn't as tight across my belly as I'm used to. I don't know if the shirt was just stretched out, or if my clothing is starting to fit differently already...I want to say it's just a baggy shirt, but I want to hope that it's my body changing.

Wednesday, August 15, 2018

W2: D4 - Each Day is a Little Victory

It seems like week 2 is going to be my struggle week so far.

I had a big fight inside my head this morning. Last night I was feeling poorly when I went to bed - something like the beginning of a cold - and it was really hard for me to convince myself that I'm not sick.

But, the light-side (life changes for the better) won against the dark-side (procrastination and depression).

This time.

Each day I get to the gym, I'm counting as a little victory. Even though I only did 25 minutes of cardio, even though I walked at a slightly slower pace than yesterday, I'm still there, putting in the time, not letting my dark-side win.

Tuesday, August 14, 2018

W2: D3 - Hardest wake-up yet

I went to bed at 11:30 last night.

My alarm at 6 was very rude. It was the most difficult wake-up I've had yet.

But I did it! I forced my feet to the floor, and my eyes open, and went and did my cardio. I skipped strength training though.

Then I had to take my daughter's car seat apart from my wife's car. She's too big for the 5-point harness anymore, so getting rid of those straps requires removing the seat and taking it apart a bit.

I did it in our garage, which was 101 degrees at 7:30 am, and around 40% humidity. I sweat more doing that than I did during my workout!

Non-scale victories today: Getting out of bed, doing my cardio, and fixing my daughter's car seat.

Now to make it through my work day without falling asleep at my desk...

Monday, August 13, 2018

Week 2 Day 2

I go to the gym Sunday through Thursday. That makes Sunday my workout Monday.

On Sundays, my wife joins me in the gym - it's the only day that we have where the kids aren't home during the day (they go to my mom's for a few hours  every Sunday for Sunday Funday) - and it's nice to have someone to chat with between machines.

We both walked for 25 minutes, then we worked arms a bit, and after that, wife went to the spin bikes for 10 minutes while I continued to work some arms.

Driving home was sort of funny because I could barely lift my arms enough to push the garage door opener button, or scratch my nose.

This morning I nearly stayed in bed. I'm taking PTO today because I need to go downtown for a meeting with lawyers for my bankruptcy case. It's not until 11:30, so getting up at 6 was a bit of a strain, but once I was up, I was glad I made the move.

25 minutes on the treadmill watching RWBY and then 10 minutes working back.

That was my non-scale victory.
My scale victory is that I'm down 2.5 lbs since we started. 2 lbs per week is sustainable and a decent pace.

Thursday, August 9, 2018

Day 3 - A Trial of My Willpower

This morning almost beat me.

I almost hit the snooze button. I almost stayed in bed. I lay there thinking how much another 30 minutes of sleep would feel *so good*.

Then I swung my legs out of bed and sat up on the edge of it.

Then I forced myself to stand up, and get moving.

At the gym, at about minute 12 on the treadmill, I was thinking: 25 minutes is going to take *so long* but I put my head back down and kept on walking.

At 18 minutes I thought: I can start my cool down now, what's a few minutes less of that?

At 22 minutes I thought: why cool down for 5 whole minutes?

At 25:02 I hit stop in the treadmill and walked away to the cable machines to work biceps and triceps for a few minutes, victory in hand.

I beat my own demons, my own laziness, my own habits of procrastination and cheating myself.

Day 3, in the books.

Wednesday, August 8, 2018

New Start: Day 2

I made it to the gym a second day.

I lay in bed for a couple of minutes after my alarm went off, but I didn't hit the snooze button. So far, so good, one more morning in the bag.

I did 25 minutes on the treadmill at 2.5 speed, 0 incline.

I did 15 minutes of strength training on the iso machines - chest and back.

I feel hopeful that I can continue this program.

I really want to change my life for the better. I want to be in control of me. I want to be a fitter father, getting back under 200 lbs is just part of the goal. I want to be able to run around with kids, play ball, walk around amusement parks, all without pain. I want to be able to go up a flight of stairs without sweating and puffing for air for 10 minutes.

So, today's non-scale victory was small, but important: No more snooze button!

Tuesday, August 7, 2018

First Gym Day

I made it to the gym for the first time in this new phase.

I've decided to go in the morning before work, with enough time to go home and shower and maybe eat before leaving to work. This is a challenge for me for a few reasons.

1 - I love to sleep
2 - I hit the snooze button about 50 times every morning
3 - I take a med that forces me to sleep for 8 hours which means
    3a - I have to go to bed early

So, I've decided that it's been 10 years since I got fat, and I'm tired of hating myself in the mirror and failing to do something about it.

It's time to get real. Time to fix my health. Time to get back under 200 lbs.

I walked for 15 minutes, and rode a recumbent bike for 10. I'll be working on getting both the time and intensity of those activities as I go forward. Also will be adding some basic strength training to the mix.

Sunday, August 5, 2018

New Plans, New Starts

Tonight: 292 lbs.

Less than I expected. 95lbs more than I want to be.

Wife and I joined Planet Fitness, the $10/mo no-commitment deal. On sale for a sign-up fee of only $1. The gym is a few minute's drive away.

My plan is to get up at 6, out the door at 6:30. Do 30 min of cardio, 30 min of strength, and get showered and head to work by 8. I want to do it 5 days per week, weekends off, but we'll see how that goes.

Maybe I should start 3 days per week to get accustomed to the routine again.

I also want to cut sugar by 95%, and carbs by 50%, and increase my water intake 100%.

Goals, I've got some.

Saturday, January 27, 2018

Week 3 Measurements

No change in size, up 3 pounds.

A: 57"
W: 48
L: 287

I'm no a new anti-depressant, and the primary side effect of it seems to be tiredness, headache, and weight gain. So I might be fighting this med.

I have another week on the med before I have a meeting with my psych to evaluate where we are and see if we need to change it up. I'll discuss with him the changes I've made and the fact that I can't lose weight, and see what he says.

Wednesday, January 24, 2018

IF Week 3, Day 2, All's Well

I'm on my 3rd week of this.

I got over my depression this weekend and tackled with renewed vigor this week.

Making sure I get around 3k steps each day, making sure I don't over eat when I'm in a feeding time. Trying to have slower burning calories at the start of my feeding time by starting with a simple salad.

I wonder if the tape will show any changes this week.

I'll probably not post to this daily now that I'm in the habit of this new life plan. At this point it's just keeping up with the plan and tracking changes to my body.

If you have any questions or comments, feel free to make them here on my blog, or on Facebook.

Sunday, January 21, 2018

2nd Saturday on IF

So, this is the 2nd Saturday on IF for me.

I have decided to take 3 measurements every Saturday:

1 - Around = (R) = the girth around the largest part of my stomach
2 - Waist = (W) = my waist where my pants sit
3 - Weight = (L) = my scale weight when I wake up in the morning before I eat

1/13/18
R = 57.5"
W = 48"
L = 290

1/20/18
R = 57"
W = 48"
L = 284

I'm happy that the L went the right direction.
I'm disappointed that my R only went down .5" and W not at all.

I celebrated my unhappiness by letting myself have some sugar. Rainbow sherbet with my daughter, a few margaritas with my depression.

Monday we're back on the non sugar, and we're going to make sure we walk 15 minutes minimum at least once per day.

This body MUST change.

Thursday, January 18, 2018

Distraction and Diets

For the last 2 nights I've been totally distracted getting my Twitch stream setup to work with 2 computers through an Elgato HD60. That sentence means something to probably 3% of people who will read this post.

Long story short - because I was fighting technology to bend it to my will, I didn't eat much at all. I had a half a chicken breast and some mini-pretzels with about 1 tbsp of ranch dressing last night, and that's all I had. For lunch, I had a bit of lettuce with mixed cheese and bleu cheese dressing. Maybe 3 oz total of food. And I wasn't hungry at all! I had to force myself to eat the pretzels at 9:30 or I was going to be out of my window and low on calories.

This morning, I woke up feeling shaky. Listening to my body, the way the experts tell you to, I went ahead and had a half-cup of fresh orange juice. That took care of the shakes, and the rest of my day has been great!

I'm 1 hour from feeding time, and I'll be partaking of another iceberg lettuce and bleu cheese lunch. I might throw in a small baggie of cheetos or something, just for the calories.

I'm really interested to see how things measure up on Saturday.

If you're curious about my streaming setup for Twitch, feel free to ask in comments below. I've been streaming for 2 years now, and I've gathered a lot of information about it (even though I usually have zero viewers). Check out my channel RabidMonkee and follow me on Twitter to know when I go live.

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Time Keeps On Slipping Slipping

I noticed that my time is slipping.

I started this on 16:8, 16 hours of fasting, 8 hours of feeding (2pm to 10pm so I can have dinner with the family).

Then I noticed that I'd stop eating around 9 instead of 10.

Today I looked at the clock and saw that it was 2:40, almost an hour past my start-eating time, and last night I again stopped at 9. So today was actually 18 hours of fasting.

I feel great!

I used to be able to eat an entire box of Mac-n-Cheese by myself. Last night I barely got through 3/5 of a box before I had to push it aside. I used to make sure I'd finish what I took, even if I was over full, but not last night. No interest.

So, I think it's...working!

Also, I know daily scale checks are damaging. I'm stopping that (got batteries for our scale). 2 days ago I was 290, this morning I was 286. From this point on, I'm only checking weekly on Saturdays with the rest of my measurements.

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Quick Photo Post

Here's what I look like today:
290lbs - 5' 8" - 44 years old



Being Slightly Hungry Is Not the End of the World

Something I read recently that really struck a chord was that Americans have been trained to believe that feeling hungry is one of the worst feelings to have.

We get this message from all of our media, from our families, from the wives' tales that are told about diet and fitness. Food is a massive industry in this country, probably the biggest scam since the original food pyramid. All paid for by the industries that have the most to gain from us constantly consuming.

Something that also resonated with me was the idea that is core to the IF lifestyle: How can your body burn fat if it has a bunch of calories sitting right there in your stomach ready to be broken down quickly and easily into sugars? The answer, of course, is that it can't. We've evolved to burn simple carbs quickly and our bodies prioritize them because in our ancestors, simple carbs were rare treats.

Now that works to our disadvantage. If you have processed simple carbs sitting in your system, your body will burn those and stash the harder to process stuff as fat for use later, just the way it's built to do. Instead of burning carbs, we have to re-teach our bodies to burn fats.

In keto, they call this ketosis. Lowering carb macros so low that fat is your preferred energy source, followed by protein, and finally carbs.

I wonder if IF sort of hijacks this ketosis process without necessarily being on a keto diet.

All I really know is that I feel better now. I ignore the slight hunger feelings that I get throughout the morning quite easily. I feel more energetic. It's easier to get out of my chair and wander around the office, or go for a walk around the lake across the street. So, whatever is happening, it definitely feels like it's working.

Side note - I got batteries for my scale last night and this morning, my naked and fasted weight was:
290.0 lbs

Monday, January 15, 2018

Informational Post About Intermittent Fasting

If you're wondering why I chose this as my latest attempt at changing my lifestyle for a healthier me, here's some information.

( Taken from the Reddit Wiki: https://www.reddit.com/r/intermittentfasting/wiki/index#wiki_5.3A2_.28the_fast_diet.2C_eat_stop_eat.29 )

The following list has been proven to occur in clinical trials involving human subjects assigned to a TRF or IF protocol.
  • Reduced visceral and subcutaneous fat
  • Reduced basal plasma glucose
  • Reduce basal plasma insulin
  • Elevated rate of autophagy
  • Slight increase in total body metabolism
  • Improved insulin sensitivity
  • Reduced skeletal muscle inflammation
  • Improved intestinal motility
  • Reduce plasma inflammatory cytokines
  • Hepatic glycogen depletion
  • Improved cognition
  • Reduced resting heart rate
  • Reduced blood pressure
  • Improved fasting lipid profile (reduce LDL, TGL, improve HDL)
  • Increased lipolysis
Sources: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/29086496 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4516560/ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/26135345

Anecdotal Benefits of IF

  • Binge / appetite correction
  • You want to eat healthier
  • More energy
  • Better focus
  • Better appreciation for those who are truly starving
  • Awareness of the pressures of society to make us eat
  • Less time spent worrying about food and cooking
  • Attempt to cool down internal body temp throughout the day
  • More time in the day for other activities besides cooking/eating

First week of IF is done!

Not much to report so far.

Sunday my mom took the family out to dinner at Olive Garden to celebrate her paying off her mortgage. I had a couple of limoncello long-island drinks, and a  pile of pasta. I think the alcohol and sugar in the 2 drinks really hit me hard. I could feel my heart pounding hours later still.

My scale doesn't have batteries, and I don't have measurements of my body from before I started.

Something I'm going to do every Saturday is measure around my belly, and waist, each Saturday. Hopefully I'll see some changes in measurement.

Non-scale-victories are even more important that seeing that number move.

But, my ultimate goal is to get below 200lbs for the first time in 12 years.

Saturday, January 13, 2018

Day 5 Complete

Day 5 was easy.

No, that's not true.

I still have to think about it all morning and remind myself not to go get some food. Part of the problem is that I'm in a lull at work.

The nature of our business means that we have a sort of feast/famine routine where we work like crazy for a few months, then we have a few weeks between sales pushes where we have a bit less to do. After working like crazy, those lulls feel like nothing is happening.

With no work to distract me, the time goes by at a crawl, and that gives me lots of time to think about the fact that I'm not eating.

Also, 10pm seems to come earlier each night...I think "oh, I'll go grab a snack before my fast starts again" and look at the clock and it's 11pm.

Again, my shirts are definitely starting to feel a bit less tight around my belly, but without a scale I don't know for certain if that's just water loss - I've been peeing a lot more during my fasts - or that I'm actually losing some size already. It would be incredible if it's already starting to change my body composition!


Around (the widest part of my belly)
57.5"

Waist
48"

Friday, January 12, 2018

Day 4 of IF on the books

I found myself watching the clock more than the other days this time.

I actually stopped eating around 9pm - that's when we put the kids to bed - so I technically did 17:7.
Then, last night, due to bedtime again, I didn't feel like I got enough calories in before 10, so I had a glass of milk at 11, so today will be 15:9.

I don't think it matters much, these hour+/- differences, as long as I get into a fasted state for a good amount of time.

I don't own a scale, so I have no idea if it's working yet or not, but I sort of feel like my shirts might not be as tight...not really sure yet.

So, here goes day 5, and I'm already hungry at 9am...I'm sure there will be days like this all over the place. I will not break my fast, though!

Thursday, January 11, 2018

Scales?

I desire 2 scales: one to weigh me, and one to weigh my food portions.

Recommendations from personal experience?

Go!

IF: 003 done, 004 in progress

Last night was the end of fast period 3.

I was hungry for a bit, but carbonated water with lemon did a good job keeping me hydrated and fighting the empty stomach feelings.

I had some pizza for dinner with the kids, and it didn't taste the same, kind of weird and off tasting, but the rest of the family didn't seem to notice. I ended up just picking the pepperoni and cheese off and leaving most of the bread. It's almost like my body is telling me to get into the keto zone, even though that's not my goal right now.

So, diet aside, I want to talk about mental health and medications.

A year ago this spring, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder (MDD), Bipolar disorder, and adult ADHD. I also have PTSD, but not related to my military service - it's from when I got mengeoencephalitis and ended up in the hospital for 9 days in December of 2014. I don't remember that Christmas, or most of that December, really. It's bizarre.

I take Seroquel (quetiapine) 300 mg, which levels out my bipolar swings. I have to take it at night because it forces me into an 8 hour sleep cycle (it's used off-label as a sleep medicine). It raises my heart rate and blood pressure while it's in my system. My resting heart rate went up an average of 10 bps, and my blood pressure is in the mild hypertensive zone now. I cut out iodized salt and only eat non-iodized, which lowered my BP significantly.

My psychiatrist just recently added Rexulti (brexpiprazole) 1mg to my regime because I was having depression. He is hoping the combination will keep me from feeling depressed and angry while not triggering a manic episode. After 4 days taking it, the wife told me today that she definitely feels like I seem happier.

The problem: 2 days in a row now I've gotten sudden nose bleeds when I strain or bend over to do something like tie my shoes. I got 2 yesterday - one when I stretched in bed, and another when I moved position on the couch last night. That last one lasted over 30 minutes and triggered a panic attack. I ended up taking a Xanax to both lower my BP and try to stop panicking (dudes aren't used to bleeding, and I'm a real baby about it). Eventually the combination of the Xanax, a ton of paper towels, and some Afrin, it finally quit.

I don't know if it's related to the Rexulti that we just added this week, or just because of the cold, dry weather...but I hope it stops soon.

Tuesday, January 9, 2018

IF: 002

Day 2, Intermittent Fasting (IF)

I got some flavored water last night. I thought I was getting LaCroix-like unsweetened, but instead what I got was "Clear American" which has aspartame in it.

So, today I felt more hungry. I stayed home from work due to a broken down car, so I was around the bacon and eggs smell from the kids' breakfast. I didn't have work to distract me, and I had the sweet taste of the water.

I still stuck it out until 2pm, so it was a success. But, I found myself prowling the kitchen for carbs. I'm not allowing myself processed sugar, but I haven't gone "full keto" yet - if I ever do. I just love bread and pasta too much for keto to be a sustainable lifestyle choice.

Anyways, in 30 minutes, my 3rd fasting period starts. I'll let you know how it goes.

Monday, January 8, 2018

Science-Based Six Pack

I got pulled in by an ad on Youtube before a video I was trying to watch.

It was by Thomas DeLauer and it was about his program Science Based Six Pack.

It appealed to me because it lets me eat the same things I eat, while just moderating my schedule of eating, and adding some core exercises.

I don't have anywhere near the $100 he wants for his program, so I'm just winging it based on the basics: 16 hours of fasting with 8 hours of feeding between. For my schedule, this works out to eating between 2pm and 10pm and fasting from 10pm until 2pm the next day.

I already do much of this, between sleeping and eating late lunches at work, so all I have to do is cut out snacks.

I don't really care about a six pack, I've never had that even when I only weighed 150 lbs in my 20s. I just want to get below 200lbs again.

So, this is day 1, January 8th, 2018.