I'm 45, married with 2 kids, 5'8" and @300 lbs.
I have bipolar disorder, clinical depression, PTSD, ADD, and general anxiety disorder.
When I was a child, I was diagnosed with "Minimal Brain Dysfunction" which was 1977-speak for "ADHD". I barely graduated high school, even though I was in the top 2% on all of the national standards tests.
A couple of years ago, I had a series of events that led to me finding a psychiatrist who finally diagnosed me with all of the above.
I've been on a medication called Seroquel for my bipolar, but we haven't found anything that will treat my depression effectively without triggering manic episodes.
This brings me to today: I've been sinking deeply into depression for the last - probably - year now. I've talked to my doctor, and he has tried a few things, but in general he's more concentrated on my bipolar than my depression. I'm barely a part of my kids' lives, and I'm a terrible marital partner. The worst part is: I know all this, but I can't seem to bring myself to do anything about it. I mean, I care, but I don't care...if that makes any sense...I know it doesn't.
Today, I listened to Episode 51 of Radio Free Burrito (Wil Wheaton's podcast). When he was talking about River Phoenix, and about living his best life, it made me start to nearly cry in my car while commuting to work.
You see, I'm not doing that.
I'm not living my best life, I'm merely alive.
Surviving.
Not living.
And that hurts.
A lot.
