Mental Health Post

I'm 45, married with 2 kids, 5'8" and @300 lbs.
I have bipolar disorder, clinical depression, PTSD, ADD, and general anxiety disorder. 

When I was a child, I was diagnosed with "Minimal Brain Dysfunction" which was 1977-speak for "ADHD". I barely graduated high school, even though I was in the top 2% on all of the national standards tests.

A couple of years ago, I had a series of events that led to me finding a psychiatrist who finally diagnosed me with all of the above.

I've been on a medication called Seroquel for my bipolar, but we haven't found anything that will treat my depression effectively without triggering manic episodes.

This brings me to today: I've been sinking deeply into depression for the last - probably - year now. I've talked to my doctor, and he has tried a few things, but in general he's more concentrated on my bipolar than my depression. I'm barely a part of my kids' lives, and I'm a terrible marital partner. The worst part is: I know all this, but I can't seem to bring myself to do anything about it. I mean, I care, but I don't care...if that makes any sense...I know it doesn't.

Today, I listened to Episode 51 of Radio Free Burrito (Wil Wheaton's podcast). When he was talking about River Phoenix, and about living his best life, it made me start to nearly cry in my car while commuting to work.

You see, I'm not doing that.

I'm not living my best life, I'm merely alive.

Surviving.

Not living.

And that hurts.

A lot.

W3: D3 - The Habit Seems To Be Forming, Small Victories Are Stacking Up

This morning, when I woke up, there was thunder and a bit of rain. If you're not an Arizonan, that probably doesn't mean much, but for us, it's awesome to have some weather. By the time I got up 35 minutes later, it had passed with just a few light sprinkles left.

I did my 25 minutes at the gym, which usually equals about 100 calories and 1 mile. As I get more in shape, I expect to raise my speed, so that distance and caloric burn should go up.

I had a physical yesterday. The first time I've seen a regular doc since March of 17. When I called to make my appointment with her, I got told that she had left that place a year ago. So, that was surprising to me, not only that she left, but that it had been over a year since I last saw her. So I googled her and followed her to her new place. She's that good of a doctor.

My BP and heart rate were better than they've been in years. The doc's scale, with me fully clothed, was 12 pounds heavier than my scale at home, so that was a bit depressing. But, doc said the scale numbers aren't as important to her as my feeling of fitness and how my clothing feels.

So, another small victory - made it to the gym. I'll take it.

W3 Started With A Failure

Sunday I failed.

I didn't get up to go to the gym because I planned to go with my wife while the kids were at my mom's. Kids didn't feel up to visiting mom, so wife didn't go to gym, so I procrastinated all day long and ended up not going either.

I told myself all day that I should go. Then as it got later, I told myself that I'd just walk around the block when the kids went to bed. I didn't do any of that. I sat and watched YouTube all day long.

Today, I snoozed once, but got up and got to the gym and did my 25 mins on the treadmill. So it's a partial victory, but better than a failure.

W2: D5 - My Shirt Doesn't Feel As Tight As It Used To

This morning, when my phone went off, I hit snooze, and fell back asleep for 8 minutes (what a weird arbitrary number that iPhones use for snooze).

Then, when it went off again, I immediately cursed myself for letting myself hit snooze.

The dark-side nearly won today.

Then I went and did my 25 minutes on the treadmill, and 10-15 min working biceps and triceps. I spent an extra 10 minutes at the gym to make up for my lapse in snooze discipline.

I noticed yesterday that the shirt I was wearing wasn't as tight across my belly as I'm used to. I don't know if the shirt was just stretched out, or if my clothing is starting to fit differently already...I want to say it's just a baggy shirt, but I want to hope that it's my body changing.

W2: D4 - Each Day is a Little Victory

It seems like week 2 is going to be my struggle week so far.

I had a big fight inside my head this morning. Last night I was feeling poorly when I went to bed - something like the beginning of a cold - and it was really hard for me to convince myself that I'm not sick.

But, the light-side (life changes for the better) won against the dark-side (procrastination and depression).

This time.

Each day I get to the gym, I'm counting as a little victory. Even though I only did 25 minutes of cardio, even though I walked at a slightly slower pace than yesterday, I'm still there, putting in the time, not letting my dark-side win.

W2: D3 - Hardest wake-up yet

I went to bed at 11:30 last night.

My alarm at 6 was very rude. It was the most difficult wake-up I've had yet.

But I did it! I forced my feet to the floor, and my eyes open, and went and did my cardio. I skipped strength training though.

Then I had to take my daughter's car seat apart from my wife's car. She's too big for the 5-point harness anymore, so getting rid of those straps requires removing the seat and taking it apart a bit.

I did it in our garage, which was 101 degrees at 7:30 am, and around 40% humidity. I sweat more doing that than I did during my workout!

Non-scale victories today: Getting out of bed, doing my cardio, and fixing my daughter's car seat.

Now to make it through my work day without falling asleep at my desk...

Week 2 Day 2

I go to the gym Sunday through Thursday. That makes Sunday my workout Monday.

On Sundays, my wife joins me in the gym - it's the only day that we have where the kids aren't home during the day (they go to my mom's for a few hours  every Sunday for Sunday Funday) - and it's nice to have someone to chat with between machines.

We both walked for 25 minutes, then we worked arms a bit, and after that, wife went to the spin bikes for 10 minutes while I continued to work some arms.

Driving home was sort of funny because I could barely lift my arms enough to push the garage door opener button, or scratch my nose.

This morning I nearly stayed in bed. I'm taking PTO today because I need to go downtown for a meeting with lawyers for my bankruptcy case. It's not until 11:30, so getting up at 6 was a bit of a strain, but once I was up, I was glad I made the move.

25 minutes on the treadmill watching RWBY and then 10 minutes working back.

That was my non-scale victory.
My scale victory is that I'm down 2.5 lbs since we started. 2 lbs per week is sustainable and a decent pace.